Lazy. Selfish. Irresponsible. Pretty soon, I'm gonna be accused of being all those things; I'm gonna be grounded and back in hell again. My parents think I'm doing this on purpose. They think I just choose not to work. That I don't even try. If I'm doing poorly, it must be because I'm slacking off and must be punished for it. Because not doing perfectly means "not even trying".

But I AM trying! If only they could see that! Of course, if I try to tell them that, I'm just "making excuses". Trying just doesn't seem to matter anymore. Sometimes I get everything done, am perfectly focused, and can concentrate on given tasks as easy as anything. Other times, I can't even seem to think in a straight line and everything just seems so distracting and overwhelming and I couldn't concentrate if my life depened upon it. Sometimes all I need is a break, and I can get back on track and concentrate; other times a break will only make things worse.

So I try to deny myself that break, and force myself to work distracted. Sometimes it takes me hours to get something done when I'm in that state; and even then it isn't done well, despite my best efforts at staying focused. But I'm "not even trying" according to my parents.

And just how do you deal with a "Lazy", "Selfish", "Irresponsible" little teenager who "isn't even trying"? Simple. You ground her for months on end. You cut her off from the computer and friends. You take away her art supplies to stifle her creativity. You yell at her and berate her and humiliate her in front of guests when they come over. Because decreasing her sense of self-worth is sure to make her "try harder".

I just get so frustrated with trying to make them see that I'm trying. It just seems that no matter what I do to conquer my weaknesses, it just makes things worse for me. I get distracted easily, so I force myself not to leave the computer before my online homework is done; I get scolded for being online too long. I tend to forget things at home, so I take EVERYTHING with me to make sure nothing important gets left behind; I'm lectured on being disorganized and things get lost in the pile I have to carry. I tend to put things off until the last possible second, so I start a game a lunch to make it so the last possible second isn't a possibility anymore; I get accused of paying more attention to the game than homework. But, of course, I'm "not even trying", so the intention means nothing at all if the results are bad.

They also don't seem to realize that yelling at me and berating me and badmouthing me in front of guests does no good. All it does is make me angry, which doesn't help me concentrate. It makes me want to lash out and defend myself, but all I can do is fume, and I often fume to the defeat of what I SHOULD be doing. But they still yell. Still taunt. Still ridicule. Of course, my feelings don't matter because I'm "not even trying."

But if I really AM "lazy", why do I feel like I'm always frantically trying to keep my world from caving in on me? If I'm "selfish", why does it cut me so deeply to see my mother dissappointed in me time and time again? If I'm so "irresponsible", then why am I doing everything in my power to make this work?

And if I'm "not even trying", why does it seem that if I were trying any harder, it would kill me?